Scatter pt 2

So it turns out that my nature seems to be against the principle of consistency, yet it is the only thing that can get me to accomplish things.

As I type this, there's a collection of unfinished drafts laying on my computer. There are ideas I have jotted down for drawings I want to create. There are thoughts lingering in the back of my mind that I need to study, that subject that I haven't reviewed in a while.

I cannot satisfy all of these at once. Even on a productive day, it takes time to get through each of these things I want to do. A disciplined, consistent man would get a certain amount of the work done, no matter how I felt about it. Unfortunately, I am not that man. And though the voice in the back of my head, telling me that I am running out of time is frequently louder than the one telling me to take my time, I cannot succeed through bursts of motivation either.

And what are these things? Some of them arise from passion, the feeling that I want to do something and that accomplishing it would be awesome. These dreams can be so grandiose, an image so perfect in my head, that I believe I cannot reach it in reality. In the end I fail to begin.

Some of them arise from pressure. Guilt that I haven't done more and the fact that these are things that I should do. I do not like them, yet it would do me no good to ignore them. No. Upon further inspection, some of these things I do not mind as much. During a study session, I am able to be absorbed within what I am doing. It is only when I am not doing it, that thought of studying begins to seem an obstacle. The worry that this is something I must do, and that I have not done it, is more of a beast than the task itself. 

A part of my ego is invested in both of these. I do not want to tarnish the visions in my head, nor do I want to prove myself incompetent at studying or completing tasks.

Prioritization is important. What's important to me? If I bring all the things that I "must" and "should" do first. Well, these things were only prerequisites to something else that I want. If I am too absorbed in these, which may never end as tasks spring ceaselessly from a fountain, I may never get to actually "reap what I sow", unless I of course become someone who loves doing these tasks that I initially fear. At the same time, if I only focus on these things I wish to do, I will face consequences.

Or am I just impatient? In truth, I am making progress on these goals, no matter how small. Even in writing this entry, I am working towards my goal to write more. Is this what consistency about, where it does not lie in success, but in the return after a setback? After all, there are all sorts of boxers. Some rage with an unrelenting force, some maintain a steady rhythm. Some are Rocky Balboa, or to be more respectful, Chuck Wepner, the man Rocky was based on. A refusal to give up after you are knocked down, time after time. Life itself is much longer than a boxing bout, and so it goes that there is more room for repeatedly standing up after setbacks.

Maybe I can trust the process.

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